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CHICK COMICS THEATER: Dungeons and Dragons...Geeky Pastime, or Gateway to Hell?
liquorhead - 07/20/00

If you haven't discovered the wonderful beauty of Jack Chick's religious tract comics, you're missing out! Usually left by well meaning folk at bus-stops, laundry mats, and other dens of sin, these little mini-comics have helped thousands to change their ways, or at least get a good laugh. I'd like to share with you one of my personal favorites, DARK DUNGEONS from 1984.

OK, I played Dungeons and Dragons back in 7th grade and we never had hot brunettes for the Dungeon Masters. In addition, the complexions of these players are remarkably clear for your average D&D player. Something evil definitely is afoot here. In fact, I'd challenge anyone to prove they played a D&D game with even 1 girl at the table, let alone 4. Poor Marcie's character "Black Leaf" died, and she's taking it a bit hard. Even her fellow player is telling her she doesn't even exist anymore. I guess that's what you get when you name a character "Black Leaf".

So Debbie's "intense Occult training through D&D" has impressed the so called "Dungeon Master" to recruit her into a Satanic Cult, complete with a handsome desk and large Pentagram carved on the floor (Those Satanists never get their deposits back from their rentals, I imagine). She's been brought to the mysterious "Temple of Diana", a notorious hotbed of evil.

OK, so you learn witchcraft, and can cast any spell in the world, so what's your first choice? Trick your father into buying you $200 worth of more D&D stuff! Yeah, screw flying, bringing back the dead, creating gold from thin air, or getting rid of those Cindy Brady ponytails, that'd be CRAZY! And doesn't "fighting the zombie" sound a bit too much like a euphemism for masturbation?

Man, it's a good thing Marcie wasn't into Pokemon, she might have tried to electrocute herself. She's such a trooper, a D&D junkie to the end, with her toy dragon right by her ankles as she hangs lifeless. If you look carefully, you can see the OZZY record under her pillow

You know, in the grand scheme of things, are we really that bad off to have someone, who's life revolves around their D&D character "Black Leaf", gone from the world? I think Darwin called this "thinning of the herd". Great sympathy from the Dunegon Master, eh?

OK, Debbie, now it's time to take up Barbies again. RUN!

Wow, Mike's been fasting for her! But from the look of his waistline, didn't look like he missed too many burgers. He's going to bring her to a speaker that came out of witchcraft. They always make the best evangelists. Just ask Jerry Falwell.

OK, I just looked that up in the bible, and they talk about burning magic books. It says nothing about Rock Music. Though I imagine God would be happy if you destroyed your old Air Supply, Ultravox, and Spandau Ballet records. And from the look of this guy's fro and sleazy mustache, I'd gather he's more likely to have come from porno than witchcraft.

Is that a Skeletor doll in the pile? Nothing like dark shadows around a burning stack of books to make you feel all good and holy inside, eh?

Well, like it or not, I think this book does a great job of convincing pretty young girls to stay away from playing D&D. Apparently every girl in my neighborhood must have read it, 'cause I never saw them there.